I don't remember what happened next. Did I drop the poker chip and leave it against the wall where I'd found it, or did I clutch it in my tiny fist and hide it beneath my knuckles? I can't recall, but I do remember the searing guilt I felt as I held that chip in my hand. I felt shame and condemnation and my soul flushed so hot with it I was sure my parents could see it and were ashamed of me as well. My parents ended up buying that house, along with the red poker chip that was left behind, but for some reason that moment has been cemented in my brain, along with the weight of the guilt I felt at my uncle's words.
My uncle did not intend to leave me so shaken and he had no idea that the enemy of my soul was using his words to wage war on my heart. That day, red poker chip in hand, he began to whisper to my heart that my guilt was too big. He would continue to tell me over the years that I was guilty and with it came the hopelessness of never being enough and I believed him. In Revelation 12:10 Satan is called "the accuser of the brothers" because that is his main goal, to make us feel false guilt and convince us that our guilt is too big for God's grace. But scripture teaches that Jesus came to take our guilt on himself.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1&2
He bore the price of all of my real guilt on himself so that I can be covered in His righteousness. This means that I am an heir of Christ's righteousness - it belongs to me as if I had never had a spot of guilt. Over the years, I've come to recognize the feeling of conviction that comes from my heavenly Father when I am disobeying him. As his child, conviction and discipline do not feel like the guilt and condemnation I felt the day I held that poker chip. It feels more like Romans 12.
My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.
Romans 12:5
Contrary to the Lord's loving discipline, the enemy likes to send me on "false guilt trips" in order to make my heavenly father seem harsh and unloving. He is the father of lies after all! (John 8:44) I should not be surprised that he plans these false guilt trips for me, yet I often fall for them. When I've lost my mommy patience and yelled at my children the enemy is ready to tell me I've failed as a mom and his trip is full of wallowing in my own failure. My heavenly father says "I've paid for this too. Apologize and let's move on with grace and love." He points me to His son, forgives me when I repent and helps me heal relationships. This leads to hope of glory to come. False guilt trips end in hopelessness and a burden too heavy to bear but no place to lay it down.
Today I choose to change the memories associated with that red poker chip and to let it remind me of my savior, whose blood ran red to pay for every black stain of real guilt. He has given me His word of truth and His Spirit to help me recognize false guilt trips when they come.
Father, help me to recognize the lies the enemy uses to trip me up and make me feel false guilt for things that I should not worry about. Help me to be quick to repent when your true conviction and discipline comes. Thank you for your kindness that leads to repentance. Thank you for loving me not as a slave, but as a daughter!
